Man and Woman
Kitchen Table
Man: Want some cheese with your crackers?
Woman: Gouda?
Man: Muenster.
Woman: (Long, silent stare.)
Man: What?
Woman: You always do this. I say I want pop, you buy root-beer. I ask, “what should we do for dinner” you say, “pizza is fine.” I hate pizza. You know that. Even our honeymoon! (Man looks questioningly at her). We went canoeing. In Canada. You always pick what you like, never what I like. I should have listened to my mother when she said you were no good. You know they had a small intervention when we got engaged. They told me it was a girly crush, that in five years you would be cheating and we wouldn’t have a relationship.
(Man attempts to interrupt, fails.)
Well they were half right. I suppose you probably are cheating on me. I swear to high-heaven when I find out who she is I’ll make you both regret it. You’re such a pig. Do you leave your underwear on her bathroom floor too? That is gross. Speaking of which, since when is it acceptable to fart in front of me? That is absolutely disgusting, it makes me want to vomit and not even because of the smell. We said till death do us part, but the preacher didn’t say anything about noxious odors. I like the smell of gouda cheese, not your flowery ass.
Man: I think there is some gouda in the fridge.
